I'm kind of at a loss for words. I feel angry and betrayed by my body. I don't know why this keeps happening, and I honestly cannot see the good that is coming from it. I've always been a strong believer in things happening for a reason, but I'm starting to doubt that. I don't understand what God's plan is for me, but I feel like this is such a cruel way of trying to teach me a lesson.
After my second miscarriage my family doctor and my OB ran a bunch of tests. They checked everything from thyroid and hormones to diabetes, autoimmune disease and genetic abnormalities. I'm healthy as can be. I exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, I'm not overweight or underweight, I really don't feel like I could be much healthier. They pretty much just decided it was a fluke and bad luck. We got the green light to start trying again and after 6 months of no success we saw a fertility specialist. He also did blood work to see if he could pin point a reason for the miscarriages, but didn't find anything abnormal. I had an HSG test to flush my tubes and they found that they were sluggish but the dye opened them up completely. They think I just had a little tissue or protein build up in them from my last miscarriage and that's what was stopping me from getting pregnant again. My specialist put me on Clomid, even though I ovulate on my own, to increase egg quality and quantity, and also hoped that it would stimulate higher progesterone production after I ovulate and increase the chance of a pregnancy being sustained. We also did intrauterine insemination, even though Zac's counts are fine, hoping that it would result in higher quality sperm because of the washing they do that separates all the weak swimmers. Well, it worked! We found out last week that we were pregnant again. My initial blood work was good and we were especially excited because my progesterone was 73, (which is really high- anything over 20 is good and mine was only 9.8 with my last miscarriage) so we thought things were looking pretty promising. That quickly changed when my levels were checked again 4 days later. HCG is supposed to double every 48 hours and mine didn't even double once in 96 hours. They told us this pregnancy wasn't viable either. I had my levels checked again on Friday and my HCG had already dropped to 20 and my progesterone was down to 2. The miscarriage was complete by Saturday morning. That makes 3. In a row. In less than 10 months.
I'm all of a sudden having so many doubts about myself. That I don't deserve another baby. That I'm not a good enough mom to Zion. That I basically suck at life in general. I honestly don't know how to pick myself back up again. And I have no clue what I'm supposed to do next. Keep trying and risk the heartbreak? Or just be thankful I have Zion and put the dream of him having siblings out of my mind for good?
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