heartbreak

I'm feeling a little heartbroken right now. I'm not sure why I'm writing this.... I guess I just need to get it out and I can't really talk about it without turning into a total mess. Zac is the only person I've been able to talk about my feelings with. Everyone else I'm just trying to avoid because I can't keep my emotions in check when I start talking. I had a miscarriage last week. We've been trying to get pregnant for a few months and it's been so frustrating. With Zion we got pregnant the first month we tried, but this time around it has not been as easy. We finally found out we were pregnant and we were so excited! The baby wasn't due until April, so it and Zion would have been 21 months apart. Perfect. We waited a couple weeks before sharing the news and then on Sunday we took a cute picture of Zion wearing a big brother shirt and sent it to all of our family. Monday morning I woke up and everything was fine and then a couple hours later I went to the bathroom and started bleeding REALLY bad. I've never felt so helpless in my life. Zac was at work and I couldn't get a hold of him, so I just held Zion and cried. When he got home we went right to the doctor. They measured my hcg and it was in the normal range for how far along I was, and then they did an ultrasound and couldn't find the baby. It had stopped growing really early and was still too small to see. The doctor tried to be hopeful and said maybe I just wasn't as far along as we thought, but I knew it was wishful thinking. The bleeding continued and I went back Wednesday to confirm what I already knew. They measured my hcg again and it should have doubled, but it dropped instead. Now I'm left with such a void. Logically I understand that miscarriages happen all the time and it's usually a chromosomal defect and nothing the mother did, so I don't really feel guilty or angry or wonder why this happened to me. But being a mom already, and knowing how much I love Zion and how amazing he is, I'm just sad. Sad as I sit and wonder if this little baby was a girl or a boy and what he or she would have looked like. Then I think of all of the little milestones with Zion over the last 14 months, his little quirks, how independent he is, and everything else about his personality... And it just makes me wonder even more, what this baby would have been like. I know I'll get through this but right now I just feel sad. My way of dealing is to put on a happy face and to stay really busy, and I'm really good at it, but when nighttime falls or Zion's napping while Zac's at work, and nobody is around, I have a harder time faking it. I'm sure time will heal everything. Thankfully I already have one beautiful little boy and the most perfect husband to hold me up until it does.


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