another month, another loss

I lost another baby this week. We were absolutely shocked when we found out we were pregnant again exactly 4 weeks after I miscarried. Usually it takes 1-3 months to get your cycle back after a miscarriage, so we were totally shocked. We felt like it was really meant to be this time, because despite all odds we were pregnant again. We went to the doctor to confirm that it was in fact a new pregnancy and not just left over tissue that my body hadn't "shed" on it's own causing a false positive. Sure enough it was a new pregnancy. Being "high risk" the doctor wanted to monitor me closely. I had to have my blood drawn and hcg level checked every other day. The first few days it was doubling exactly the way it was supposed to. We we ecstatic! Then it started to slow until it was increasing by less than 30%. The doctor told us he was 90% sure this was going to be another miscarriage. That feeling of helplessness I felt last month when I started bleeding, times that by about a million and that's how I felt as I was sent home and told to wait for it to start again. It took five very long days for the bleeding to start. Five days of trying to hope that everything would be ok, but being terrified of having too much hope and end up being heart broken again. Last month I was able to deal with the loss pretty well knowing that these things just happen sometimes. But two losses exactly 6 weeks apart. It just feels like a mean joke.


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